I was scared. I didn’t wanna move past what happened in 6th grade. If I ever did, what would I do? I spent all my time feeling sorry for myself. Hurting myself. Hurting others.I spent my time being angry with the person who started it all. And all the secrets…They were dragging me down. Summer camp 2012 changed my life. God opened up my eyes. He showed me life for others if I took my life. I never realized how many people cared for me. We have a way of thinking that nobody cares for us, and that we’re ugly and worthless but not only is that just not true and people DO love us, But Jesus our Saviour loves us. He’s waiting for us to run into His arms. He has a love that will fill us up. We don’t have to be depressed. We don’t have to go to bed crying every night; wrist burning and everything. We need to enjoy life. We need to enjoy life with HIM. When I came home from just a 5 day camp, I confessed something I never ever have before. Only me, and my two brothers know. My youth leaders helped me through it all. I wrote a letter that would later be read to my mom. The brother that I went to camp with confessed it to his cabin leader and a church friend. My youth leaders were told and then I was confronted. I had to confess it. It was hard. I was living with this big secret for nearly 7 years. I couldn’t handle it. Camp Illuminate changed my life forever. I am no longer depressed. I no longer feel the need to cut. I am no longer a slave to the enemy. My parents know everything. The cutting, the sexual abuse, the starving and every other form of self-harm. (and everything in-between) I forgave my brothers. I forgave Simon. I am pretty much a new person. Since August 10, I have had two urges to cut. One very brief and the other not so much.(But no, I did not cut. It has been 32 days without cutting.) I’m not saying life as a Christian is perfect. It isn’t. But it is SO much better than crying everynight, cutting in the shower so no one will see the blood or hear you cry, wearing long sleeves when you could be wearing a tank top, going to bed with another dinner in the toilet, and everything I and other people have done. If we only live once, why are we spending it angry, depressed and self-harming and everything? BE HAPPY! You’re living for Jesus. Jesus didn’t want me to be like I was. He wanted me free of sin and shame and guilt. Why didn’t He just change me? Because He LOVES me. (say whatt?!) Yep. He wanted me to learn a few lessons. And a few lessons I learned.
Drop the razor. Jesus loves you. (:
Slowly recovering. We both are. Being with him even for a second makes me never wanna self-harm ever again. I love him so much.
